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Dave Barry's Colonoscopy Journal
I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an
appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram
of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the
place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis !
Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a
thorough, reassuring and patient manner.
I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he
said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO
STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'
I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a
prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a
box large enough to hold a microwave oven!
I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to
say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of
America's enemies.
I spent the next several days productively sitting around being
nervous.
Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation.
In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food
that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water,
only with less flavor.
Then, in the evening , I took the MoviPrep. You mix two
packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you
fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with
the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you
have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour,
because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a
mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of
lemon!!
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with
a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose,
watery bowel movement may result.'
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof,
you may experience contact with the ground!
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too
graphic, here, but: have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch?
This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the
shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a
seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to
the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate
everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally
empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which
point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future
and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet!!
After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was
very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure,
but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep
spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How
do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers
would not be enough!
At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I
understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms
said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy
people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took
off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments
designed by sadist perverts , the kind that, when you put it on,
makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked!
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my
left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was
very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told
me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. NOW he
tells me!
At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but
then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy
to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in
full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn
your house!!
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure
room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an
anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but
I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was
seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist
began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the
song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that,
of all the songs that could be playing during this particular
procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate!
'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind
me.
'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had
been dreading for more than a decade. If you are
squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in
explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have NO idea. Really. I slept through it.
One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of
the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other
room, waking up in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I
felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told
me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with
flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal
organ!!!
ABOUT THE WRITER . . . .
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize- winning humor columnist for the
Miami Herald.
On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam
were quite humorous!
A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made
by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing
their colonoscopies:
1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no
man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand
out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity!'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay!'
And the best one of all . . . .
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my
head is not up there???'
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